Victim Blame: Taeyeon VS Sasaeng Edition

July 9, 2016, 8:57 pm

≫ Next: Results of the KPOPALYPSE 2016 objectification survey part 3 – HOTTEST MALES AND FEMALES in k-pop!

≪ Previous: Results of the KPOPALYPSE 2016 objectification survey part 2 – BEST FEMALE BOOBS and MALE ABS in k-pop!

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Sasaengs are pretty much the most embarrassing people you can come across in the K-Pop world. They represent everything wrong with getting obsessed with a singer and even the most semi-level headed fans pretty much understand this.

But in the most recent case where Taeyeon showed fans what she has to put up with on a regular basis quite a few people were putting the blame on her.

Original article

1. [+113, -25] Couldn't she turn her sound off? I'm sure this isn't the first time it's happened;;;

4. [+21, -15] Turn your phone off you babo... you're rich enough to buy a separate alarm clock ㅡㅡ

5. [+20, -16] She has an iphone... she can just turn on the don't disturb mode ㅋㅋ or is she trying to show off that "I'm still this popular!! I'm stil in the game!!"

These do not represent all of the comments at all, however the fact that comments like this are being made is quite ridiculous.

I'm pretty sure Taeyeon has tried to turn her phone off and get a new number. However one of the issues with sasaengs is that they consistently find new ways to get idols numbers (even their Kakao Talks.) So doing that would be absolutely useless because within the next hour she'd be having the same problem.

Second, she shouldn't even need to do this. People love to complain about idols lack of sleep and horrid work hours, and then disturb them when they actually find the three hours they get to rest. Pretty fucking hypocritical if you ask me.

Third, Taeyeon doesn't need to prove that she's still popular. She's the leader and one of the most popular members of the most popular girl group in Korea. Also, out of all the ways to show that she's still popular, why would she choose a sasaeng? Most idols have those.

The only conclusion I can draw from this is that those three commenters along with the people who upvoted them are Taeyeon sasaengs who are mad that she put them on blast and are thus spreading hate comments about her (#Exposed.)

I'll end this with this nice gif courtosey of Girlsqeneration:

Yes, yes, yes.

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Results of the KPOPALYPSE 2016 objectification survey part 3 – HOTTEST MALES AND FEMALES in k-pop!

July 9, 2016, 11:58 pm

≫ Next: Jessica Doesn't Look 18 Anymore? Big Shock.

≪ Previous: Victim Blame: Taeyeon VS Sasaeng Edition

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The final part of the Kpopalypse 2016 objectification survey is here!  Let's check out the hottest overall males and females in k-pop, according to Kpopalypse readers!

You can find part 1 here and part 2 here if you missed them - but for now let's get on with part 3 - hottest men and women!

Voters were asked to nominate k-pop idols in these six categories:

BEST FEMALE ASS

BEST MALE ASS

BEST FEMALE BOOBS

BEST MALE ABS

OVERALL HOTTEST FEMALE

OVERALL HOTTEST MALE

Some people split hairs a little and wrote stuff like "I like [idol x] the most but I don't think 'hot' really describes them", I suppose I could have used "most attractive" which may have in fact been a more accurate descriptor of what I meant, but I was trying to save on character length, which is important when there's hot idols to fap to.  People who wanted a "most beautiful face" question should realise that the vast majority of people assess overall beauty by facial features, so essentially, that's what these questions were.

Readers were asked to nominate up to five idols or ex-idols, although any "people in the Korean music scene" were eligible.  People who had never performed a song of their own did not qualify, which excluded people from k-dramas, movies as well as from "dance groups" that don't have their own songs written especially for them.  The order was important - idols mentioned first on people's list of five got more points than those mentioned last.  This made a real difference - some idols were mentioned extremely frequently but were almost never anyone's first choice - as a result, they didn't poll that well.  People who forgot to add group names as instructed also disqualified their own votes - there's multiple Minas, Jiyeons, Choas, Kibums and Jimins in k-pop plus some other duplicates I'm forgetting, plus I really have trouble matching the names to the groups generally especially with the male groups and nugus I'm not that familiar with.  So if you fucked it up - sucks to be you, read the instructions next time!  Anyway, here's the results!

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OVERALL HOTTEST FEMALES

#1 – Hyosung – Secret

393 points

Another easy win for Hyosung.  Many people who nominated Hyosung specified that she was a solo artist and completely forgot that she's also a member of Secret.  Who are the other three girls in Secret again?  It seems that none of you could remember either, as none of them even got into double-digit votes.  Such is the power of Hyosung's hotness to give the brains of Kpopalypse readers a jizz enema, washing their synapses clean of all rational thought.

#2 – Seolhyun – AOA

235 points

Speaking of people lacking in rational thought, don't let netizen translation sites with a vested interest in your clicks fool you - netizen comments on Korean sites like Naver and Nate are like YouTube comments in the west - hardly anyone reads them, even less care what they say, and only the lowest turds on the intellectual ladder have the time and energy to muster up a comment anyway.  K-pop agencies and media sometimes care only because they're so desperate for material to fill their quotas that they'll latch onto any old crap, it's like free material for them, but ask any man or woman on the street about AOA's recent activities and they'll say either "Who?" or "I bet those girls do well in Kpopalypse's overall hottest females poll".

#3 – Choa – AOA

185 points

Everybody knows that the pretty girls are AOA.  I don't think anyone who first got into the group back in "band days" would have predicted that Choa would out-poll Hyuna on prestigious Kpopalypse lists such as this one a few years later, which just goes to show that you never can tell.

#4 – Hyuna

183 points

I figure that "Sure" is the title of the magazine and "love your body" is the theme of the photoshoot, but doesn't it just read like sarcasm - "sure, love your body when something as unachievable as Hyuna exists".  Don't worry all you ladies with low self-esteem, when I went to see 4Minute live Hyuna looked like Skeletor's minions had just raided He-Man's lair and brought back two tennis balls and his ancient font of celestial BB cream.  There, feel less like killing yourself now?

#5 – Nana – After School/Orange Caramel

168 points

Although like Hyuna she's hardly my type, there's no denying that Nana looks exactly like a supermodel which is why she keeps topping those TC Candler "most beautiful face" polls, something people will forever be butthurt about, but TC Candler has been fapping to girls for longer than Kpopalypse has had working testicles so he knows what's up.  Several Kpopalypse readers agreed, and propelled Nana into fourth place on overall attractiveness alone despite the fact that she didn't even poll double digits in any other category, proof that despite the stereotype many people don't assess female beauty on tits and ass alone.

#6 – Yura – Girl's Day

164 points

...and then there's Yura.  Kpopalypse readers, why do you hate her so?  She's clearly never destined to come first in any Kpopalypse poll or list ever, maybe you're all so busy fapping that your hand is too slimy to use the mouse and keyboard correctly to vote for her.  Make sure you give it a good wipe-down before this time next year, you slobs.

#7 – Momo – Twice

148 points

Another entrant who like Nana is about as far away from something I like as it's possible to get, Momo's inclusion here is proof that I'm not rigging this because if it were up to me she wouldn't even make the top 100.  However the poll isn't about what I want (I would have voted for Momo's headwear in this picture over Momo herself) but about what YOU the reader wanted, and many of you were very clear that you wanted Momo.  Someone like Momo who is a relative newcomer on the k-pop scene has an inherent disadvantage compared to the veteran household names so her position here shouldn't be underestimated.

#8 – Hyomin – T-ara

121 points

Could it be that Kpopalypse blog attracts a lot of biased T-ara fans, giving Hyomin's undeniable attractiveness (and excessive BB cream use) an unfair advantage in this poll?  This could be the case, but they're only biased because Hyomin is so hot, so it's circular logic.  We'd see across-the-board T-ara themed voting if that was the case, but Boram, Soyeon and Hwayoung all barely made it out of single digits, and temporary ex-T-ara ring-ins Dani and Ahreum didn't catch a single solitary vote.

#9 – Kyungri – Nine Muses

120 points

Kyungri's performance across all female categories of this poll is amazing when you consider that she's one of a group of deliberately similar-looking and extremely modelesque women in a group with multiple line-up changes that k-pop fans in general periodically tend to forget actually exists, let alone which members are still in the group this week.

#10 – Yuri – Girls' Generation

90 points

On the opposite end of the nugu spectrum, Yuri is fresh from a Qri-style upper-body "beauty care" session and easily left all her higher-profile groupmates in the dust this year.  Also, she hasn't released much in the way of music lately, which no doubt also worked in her favour.

#11 – Jiyeon – T-ara

89 points

T-ara's cyclopean queen and leader of the "near-eyes" continued to use her powers to burn through hearts and minds of Kpopalypse readers, ensuring her continued relevance in this poll.  Unlike every other picture in this list, Jiyeon has been photographed here with her gaze directed completely away from the camera - for your safety.

#12 – Krystal – f(x)

87 points

Krystal looks exactly like every second or third Asian girl that I see when I'm out doing my grocery shopping - that is, until someone flips a switch in the back of her head marked "bitchstare", upon where she transforms into the biggest cunt in the universe.  Look at this photo - she just wants to bash the photographer right in his fucking face for making her wear those 19th century rags and pose like an idiot.  This is probably her tenth modelling gig that day and she's so over it.  Kpopalypse readers duly recognised the hotness of a woman who screams "IDGAF" from her every pore.

#13 – Hani – EXID

78 points

EXID are another one of those groups that nobody ever saw getting anywhere in the world of k-pop, that is, until someone changed everything by highlighting Hani on a fancam.  While the comically riotous thirsty cheering was probably the real reason why that particular fancam went viral as opposed to the many thousands of others out there, that was enough to bring EXID some fame and make you all remember Hani enough to vote your asses off even though she doesn't look anything like that anymore.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

#14 - Jaekyung - Rainbow

#15 - Soyou - Sistar

#16 - Hwasa - Mamamoo

#17 - Irene - Red Velvet

#18 - Hyejeong - AOA

#19 - Gain - Brown Eyed Girls

#20 - Bora - Sistar

#21 - Mina - Twice

#22 - Tzuyu - Twice

#23 - Sojin - Girl's Day

#24 - Eunjung - T-ara

#25 - Hyuna - Nine Muses

#26 - Dahye - BESTie

#27 - Sulli - Cao Ni Ma

#28 - Fei - (ex) miss A (calling this with my super Boram powers)

#29 - Jei - Fiestar

#30 - Victoria - f(x)

#31 - Yezi - Fiestar

#32 - Jimin - AOA

#33 - Lee Hyori

#34 - Yubin - Wonder Girls

#35 - Hyunyoung - Rainbow

#36 - IU

#37 - Sana - Twice

#38 - Sunny - Girls' Generation

#39 - Taeyeon - Girls' Generation

#40 - Seulgi - Red Velvet

#41 - Seohyun - Girls' Generation

#42 - Joy - Red Velvet

#43 - Raina - After School/Orange Caramel

#44 - Yuna - AOA

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OVERALL HOTTEST MALES

Over half of the world's population like to fap to guys, but the important question is - which ones?  Kpopalypse has the scoop!

#1 – T.O.P – BigBang

161 points

After a close competition where the lead swapped several times, BigBang's T.O.P eventually pulled ahead by a significant margin, no doubt to the pleasure of BigBang fangirls and barely-in-the-closet ex-Anti Kpop-Fangirl authors everywhere.

#2 – Jungkook – BTS

136 points

What would I know about male attractiveness?  Clearly nothing.  This guy has a face like a puffy rice cracker, and apparently that's what a lot of you folks are into.  Who am I to argue.

#3 – Jimin – BTS

134 points

I always get annoyed that every time I search "Jimin" in Google I always get this dude instead of Shin Jimin from AOA or Park Jimin from 15&, but for once this feature was actually useful.  For the record, contrary to some readers' suspicions my data doesn't seem to reflect an influx of annoying Army's (aka the nutty BTS fandom who rival EXO-L for sheer crazy) skewing the results of the survey.  I can tell one-eyed group fans because they'll always stack the votes by just listing five people in their favourite group (one reason I allowed multiple selections), but the vast majority of people who picked BTS members also picked several others from different groups who were placed on this list highly.

#4 – Minho – SHINee

92 points

SHINee's Minho consistently polled extremely well across all male categories, but also seems consistently incapable of winning anything outright, so from now henceforth he will be dubbed by Kpopalypse as the "male Yura" until he (or she) breaks the curse.

#5 – JB/Jaebum – GOT7

85 points

I don't really follow guy groups closely in terms of the actual group members, so I honestly can't recognise a lot of the newer and lesser known individuals by their facial features.  I'm just hoping that the image tags are correct and what you're looking at here is an image of JB from GOT7 and not the latest makeover by Mortiis.

#6 – Sehun – EXO

77 points

Sehun always looks like that kid who is in a band and is 16 years old and has the most expensive equipment ever that his dad bought for him.  He plays pretty well and you kinda like it that he's out there giving it a go but something about him just makes you want to scream "you fucking noob go out and play some shows, earn that Fender Super Reverb you asswipe".  Sehun's leather jacket is perfect, it doesn't have any scuff marks on it or anything, he probably gets a new one especially tailor-made for each show.  Guys are always jealous of the rich, mollycoddled kid at university but girls know that him and his family will look after their special needs.  No wonder I barely ever got laid more than once per year when I was in my 20s.

#7 – Taecyeon – 2PM

68 points

2PM's Taecyeon seems like a happy chap.  He's wearing a blue-collar shirt and it even has a small stain on the right shoulder, which is probably about as working-class as k-pop gets image-wise for the male performers.  The irony is that he's probably one of the only ones who actually has a decent amount of money in the bank.

#8 – Wonho – Monsta X

63 points

Monsta X in general seem really disproportionately popular across every male category for what is really a still-nugu group.  How popular are these guys, actually?  I'm not even sure.  Wonho here looks as confused about his place in the Kpopalypse poll as I am.

#9 – Lay – EXO

62 points

He's not putting his left hand behind his back to look cute, SM Entertainment actually broke his arm off because he looked up Kris on the Internet once six months ago.  Gotta keep these kids in line or they'll all bail.

#10 – Jackson – GOT7

61 points

Jackson has the Eunjung compulsive tongue thing going on, which kind of makes me like him, even though he probably fucks animals.  Everyone has their faults, right?  Let's not hate on him.

#11 – Kai – EXO

60 points

Kai looks like Jongkook without the facial bruising.  Fights in the dorm - don't do it, kids, one false move and you'll lose an eye and nobody wants to stan a k-pop star called "Lefty".  Look at what happened to TLC.

#12 – Kyungil – History

59 points

Emo haircuts and moody stares are still alive and well in k-pop in 2016, and Kyungil is currently holding that torch that was once carried by every single male k-pop group active about 18 years ago.  Except that Kyungil is also buff as fuck in a way that the first wave of k-pop idol men arguably never were, which gives some much-needed balance to the emo thing.  Kyungil looks like he's sad because he lost his job lifting tire-irons rather than because his would-be girlfriend wouldn't date him because she didn't understand his love of My Chemical Romance.

#13 – Shownu – Monsta X

57 points

Last on the top list of men is Shownu, and if I were to pick any fandom that may have invaded the poll I'd probably cast a suspicious way to whatever the fuck Monsta X's fans call themselves.  But I'm probably just being paranoid as they really didn't have that many votes, and people that I know do seem to like them generally, so it's probably all legit.  If you really care that much about who got to what position in a poll you're probably being a bit of a cunt anyway to be honest, who really gives a crap?  Personally I always think it's better if less people like my faves, not more, for reasons detailed here.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

#14 - L/Myungsoo - Infinite

#15 - Shindong - Super Junior

#16 - Rain

#17 - V - BTS

#18 - Amber - f(x)

#19 - Jaejoong - JYJ

#20 - Hoya - Infinite

#21 - Siwon - Super Junior

#22 - Donghae - Super Junior

#23 - Xiumin - EXO

#24 - Junho - 2PM

#25 - Suho - EXO

#26 - Baekhyun - EXO

#27 - Jonghyun - SHINee

#28 - Leo - VIXX

#29 - Mino - Winner

#30 - Jin - BTS

#31 - Seungri - BigBang

#32 - Zico - Block B

#33 - Chen - EXO

#34 - Jay Park

#35 - N - Vixx

#36 - Taemin - SHINee

#37 - Doojoon - Beast

#38 - Junhoe - iKon

#39 - Onew - SHINee

#40 - Suga - BTS

#41 - Yongguk - BAP

#42 - JYP

#43 - Simon Dominic

#44 - Woohyun - Infinite

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That's it for the final post in Kpopalypse's 2016 objectification survey results!  A reader question before I head off:

Could you do one for talent next?

THIS WAS IT.  LOOKING GOOD IS THE ONLY TALENT IN K-POP THAT MATTERS.  Bye!

Jessica Doesn't Look 18 Anymore? Big Shock.

July 10, 2016, 12:00 am

≫ Next: Girl Group Stage - Ultra Dance Festival

≪ Previous: Results of the KPOPALYPSE 2016 objectification survey part 3 – HOTTEST MALES AND FEMALES in k-pop!

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(Seeing as I just posted an article defending Taeyeon against netizens, it's only natural I do the same for Jessica to piss off all of the TaeyeonGate/JessicaGate stans.)

So Jessica attended a Blacn&Eclare event, and she looks gorgeous as always. However of course salty netz have to shit on her because they feel that anyone with a career is a threat to their lives or something.

Origina article

2. [+478, -33] Why is she aging so hard recently?? :(

5. [+32, -3] She looks so old now

8. [+21, -3] Her face is looking more and more masculine

10. [+16, -4] Even after all the plastic surgery, procedures, expensive cosmetic treatments, her face only looks like this... ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ I can't imagine what she'd look like if she was a poor commoner

I get that Korea is very into keeping up appearances and staying youthful, but isn't this a bit too far? Jessica is 27 (28 in Korean years), and I think she looks fine. Like a normal woman in her late 20s-early 30s. Hell, I can think of some 18 year olds that look older than her (i.e. Kylie Jenner) and even they don't look necessarily bad, just mature.

This is similar to when Hani uploaded a picture of her when she was freaking 5 years old and people were complained about how different and old she looked in comparison. This is fucking creepy and comes off kind of like something a pedophile would say.

My point being is that, it's pretty stupid to expect someone to look the same as they did ten years ago. Idols aren't vampires and will age just like you and me. Even Taeyeon who still looks very young still visibly looks older than she did during SNSD's debut days.

All in all, common sense will tell you that the main reason Jessica doesn't look 18 anymore is because she isn't 18 anymore. It's basic math people.

Here's some last couple of pictures of Jess:

Girl Group Stage - Ultra Dance Festival

July 10, 2016, 1:59 am

≫ Next: Concepts That Don't Suck (Anything But YOUR BLOOD)

≪ Previous: Jessica Doesn't Look 18 Anymore? Big Shock.

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Sorry to cockblock Kpopalypse and suho_ftw who have relatively new articles below, but yeah, there's too much hotness on this stage to not post this right away.

Concepts That Don't Suck (Anything But YOUR BLOOD)

July 11, 2016, 12:00 am

≫ Next: When fanboys are like fangirls

≪ Previous: Girl Group Stage - Ultra Dance Festival

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A lot of kpop girl group music videos are basically identical. You could swap out the four to nine hot girls for a different four to nine hot girls and end up with at least 90% of modern MV releases.

For example, both Brave Girls and whatever the Produce 101 clusterfuck is called (IOI?) just realized videos with essentially the same concept, which in turn is a thinly veiled rehash of the TWICE Cheer Up tactic, which in turn is a rip-off of this: differentiate your eight thousand members by having them each hang out in a different clichéd setting. That way you can watch the video and be like "damn, the tennis player/nurse/Audrey Hepburn knockoff is sexy," instead of saying "damn, the third girl with long dark hair -- no, not that one, the one wearing pink -- no, the OTHER one wearing pink -- is sexy.")

So what is an embittered management company to do? What concepts can they use without incurring the wrath of random internet bloggers?


Vampires.

"Twilight ruined vampires!" you shout at me from behind your laptop screens. "Shut up, dumb tweens!" I respond. The vampire concept can still be good (and sexy) if done right, and it would be cool if some of the squeaky clean new-generation groups used vampires to sex up their images (yeah, I know, TWICE had zombies. But zombies are not sexy).

The OG vampire/death imagery video is 4Minute's (may they rest in peace) iconic Volume Up, which is not only one of their best songs but also produced an extremely gothtastic and visually lush video. Featuring ominous whispering, snakes, light choking, human skulls, red-eyed Hyuna, church-running, some truly wild costuming, a sexy tango sequence, and people materializing from and vanishing into black smoke, it's one of kpop's most visually and aurally satisfying moments.



Next, Sunmi went pure vampire with a markedly-creative-for-2014 vision in blood red and stark black and white. It also features the surprisingly cool effect of having guest rapper Lena Ahn (may her career rest in peace) teleport to and fro while wearing thigh-highs. On the one hand, we get it, you're a vampire, super speed, whatever. On the other hand ... SPECIAL EFFECTS!!!!!!!! Plus, Sunmi looks hot sucking blood from some poor dude and grinding up on a couch. It's well-styled, well-shot, and sexy without slipping too far into camp.

Our third contender in the kpop vampire-off is Choa's solo debut.



It's a somewhat boring ballad, which already kicks it pretty far back into second place. The death blow is the distinct lack of Choa in the actual video. But what makes up for the lack of AOA's reigning queen of sexyface is how straight-up dark this video is. It's pretty hard to take Choa's soulful crooning seriously when the actress in the video is straight up dragging some girl around by a neck chain while her eyes glow red. And at the end of the video (spoiler alert) she kills herself from guilt, I guess, by going out in to the sun AND BURNING UP INTO ASH! Don't even try to tell me this is some heartfelt meditation on lost love. This video is a horror movie, no doubt about it. There is body dragging. There is Catholic imagery. There is vampire suicide. What more can you ask for from a music video?

So next time you've got a special effects team, a bunch of creepy angel statues, and an actor who's better at lying around corpse-like than making actual facial expressions, try a vampire concept.

When fanboys are like fangirls

July 11, 2016, 11:41 am

≫ Next: Chinese woman supports China. News at 11.

≪ Previous: Concepts That Don't Suck (Anything But YOUR BLOOD)

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Perhaps you have noticed by now that one of the main reasons we started and continue to operate this site is just to be a place where we can freely vent annoyance with and/or mock delusional kpop stans. In the beginning this was actually specifically centered around T-ara, which had stans trying to censor us to only speak the purest words in regard to them while they were on stage doing stuff like this:

Hyomin earning solo promotions in 2010. So fucking hot super cute!

Yet as annoyingly anti-reality as that sort of attitude is, the way of the fangirl goes in other directions as well. We've all seen fangirls who can't comprehend a reality where their oppas are dating someone, or why their oppas committing a crime is due the codified legal punishment, or simply, perhaps, that their oppas are not the center of the universe and people are allowed to like someone other than their oppas without it being an injustice. Fanboys can manifest this insanity as well.

See here our local insane troll bodhicat1, devoted surfer of the delulu wave, who seems to think that if he comments about Bambino on nearly every single one of our articles that mentions sexiness at all for months he'll convince us to become a Bambino stanning blog, even though he already has his own fucking blog for stanning Bambino. Apparently that is not enough for him. Apparently other people aren't allowed to admire or acclaim anyone but Bambino without being told how wrong they are or how much better Bambino is... according to the fantasy land in his head.

You see, this comment is his reaction to the results for the latest Kpopalypse survey. Yes, a public survey across two main blogs and however many other channels Kpopalypse spread it to involving hundreds of unguided volunteer responses that generally span the full spectrum of the kpop inetz scene. Somehow, when all of these people offer their own nominations for the idols they personally find sexy and Bambino doesn't even register, it is a farce and we lose cred. Who, exactly, is the "we" losing cred? I guess everyone who lives in reality.

Instead of just not caring and doing his own thing and enjoying Bambino—just like, well, Bambino themselves don't care and simply enjoy being Bambino—he lives in a world where if everyone doesn't share his level of exclusive admiration for them and declaration of them as the leaders of kpop, it is a disgrace that must be addressed and corrected. Truly bonkers. All of this, of course, is without mentioning that Bambino is not even a real kpop group with ambitions of the big time but some Gangnam unnies who primarily act as go-go dancers for local bar events with a facade of kpop solely to cash in on government subsidies.

"They're dance hoes who don't even care to be famous."

Don't be a bodhicat1. Live in reality and don't fight it when it disagrees with you. Like who you like and let others like who they like without harassing them like a clueless dick. Be satisfied with harassing your own clueless dick.

Chinese woman supports China. News at 11.

July 12, 2016, 12:10 pm

≫ Next: An Extremely Thorough Exploration of Lesbianism in Kpop – Part 2/?

≪ Previous: When fanboys are like fangirls

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She grew up there. Her home is there. Her family is there. Her friends are there. Her money is there. Her business is there. The rest of her life after f(x) is there. Her legal protections and processes are there. Her retirement is there. Some little space where her remains will be left when she dies is there. Everyone who will still care to remember her will be there.

Did any of y'all really think she was about to say fuck China because she made some music in Korea?

Update: Various other Chinese figures in Kpop are as well. So shock. Much scandal.

An Extremely Thorough Exploration of Lesbianism in Kpop – Part 2/?

July 13, 2016, 12:00 am

≫ Next: NCT 127 - Fire Truck

≪ Previous: Chinese woman supports China. News at 11.

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Part 1 can be found here.

Once again, in the interests of comparison and standard-setting, each video’s lesbianism will be ranked on two metrics: how hot it is, and how convincing it is. They will be graded out of four (four scissors, obviously). Now let's get to the good stuff:

Rainbow Blaxx - Cha Cha

God damn, Rainbow is so underrated. Everybody shit on the perfectly good Black Swan for no reason, and then nobody paid any attention to Whoo even though the music video featured Jaekyung straight up not wearing pants. Honestly, we are given so many good things in this life and we so often fail to appreciate them.

How can you not respect this kind of commitment?

Anyway, a couple years ago, Rainbow decided to make a play for relevancy by creating a sexy-concept subunit, Rainbow Blaxx. Though it was sadly short-lived, it did manage to produce the incredibly hot and faintly gay Cha Cha.

Mmm, platonic mutual finger-licking

This video's premise is incomprehensible to me (they're in a dessert-themed lesbian brothel? They spit diamonds? All the backup dancers are dressed as french maids?), but it serves as a tribute to the world's most popular fetishes with a heavy dose of girl-on-girl action.

Subtle french maid foot fetish action at the bottom there

Rainbow picked subunit members extremely well. Jaekyung is one of those people who both has an incredible body and knows how to eye-fuck a camera, Seungah is both a surprisingly good singer and a knockout, Woori brings the rapping variety and also joins Jaekyung in the department of ridiculous legs and god bless Hyunyoung, who is off-the-charts charismatic and has the body to match.

Hyunyoung's boobs are like the eighth wonder of the world.

The video is light on plot and heavy on sexy dessert-eating. Woori and Seungah hang out on a couch together in a very very very sexually charged fashion.

You got your lesbianism, you got your voyeurism...

 There's some binoculars-framing and a weird lady shows up to measure everyone's body parts (which seems really unfair. If you put people in a fancy dessert palace and insist they seductively eat stuff, they're gonna gain some weight), which suggests some kind of voyeuristic brothel situation.

I think this lady runs the lesbian fetish brothel but it's hard to be sure

Honestly who gives a fuck though! The song is a jam, and the girls of Rainbow Blaxx are so sexy that they could be standing around perfectly still in full-length parkas and it would still be hot. The fact that this video features a who's who of fetishes, mild lesbianism and plenty of lingerie is just the best bonus in the world.

Hotness: 4 scissors. You just can't argue with shit like this; there is truly something for everyone here, and it's all gold. 

Convincingness: 3 scissors. This is actually relatively short on lesbianism, but Woori, Seungah, Jaekyung and Hyunyoung sell the shit out of everything they do, including sexy gay finger-licking and french-maid toenail painting. People got laid on this set, for sure.

Anda - Touch

I don't want to spoil anything, but this video is lesbian as fuck. They straight up insinuate oral in this video. I'm not kidding you. Here it is:

Just spreading a girl's legs and then clutching this pillow while a girl slides down my chest for no reason!!!!!!!!

This shit writes itself, I'm telling you.

Naked in a bathtub with another woman -- so heterosexual!

But anyway, before you click play on this video I have to warn you that the song is extremely irritating. I would recommend putting it on mute. Maybe listen to Fiona Apple's Criminal instead (because that's where this video got all of its aesthetic inspiration from. They basically just took Criminal and made it about lesbians instead of like, youthful malaise or whatever).

Off to an excellent start

So our girl is at some kind of all-girl sleepover, which is a great setting for lesbian action. And indeed, lesbian action ensues. There are multiple shots where Anda is doing something vaguely sexy in the foreground while girls actually make out in the background.

See? I would never lie to you

Anda herself also engages in some Sapphic funtimes. She hangs out in a bathtub while being straddled by a woman. She lies on a bed while being straddled by a woman. We get some of the aforementioned leg-spreading and oral-simulating. It's amazing. I cannot recommend this highly enough, if you are at all interested in hot girls doing sexy things to each other.

This really doesn't need any elaboration

Hotness: 3.5 scissors. I'd give it a perfect 4 if I liked Anda's face a little better and I hadn't previously been spoiled by Jaekyung et al. She has a great body, though (as do all the other lesbians at this party).

Convincingness: 4 scissors. Uh, yeah. Not really much more to say about that.

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NCT 127 - Fire Truck

July 13, 2016, 3:57 am

≫ Next: [MV Review] Seventeen - "Very Nice"

≪ Previous: An Extremely Thorough Exploration of Lesbianism in Kpop – Part 2/?

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Funniest shit you'll watch this year in K-Pop!

[MV Review] Seventeen - "Very Nice"

July 13, 2016, 11:32 pm

≫ Next: Old News: Sunmi doesn't give a flying fuck

≪ Previous: NCT 127 - Fire Truck

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Quick to shake off the "Pretty U" criticism, Seventeen comeback with "Very Nice" and it's just that.

I'll be honest, I was a be skeptical during Seventeen's debut just mostly because they come from Pledis and we all know how south that can go. However "Adore U" was a nice contrast to the popular hip-hop concepts most boy groups had been doing, and then "Mansae" was just pure awesomeness and one of my favorite songs of 2015.

Then "Pretty U" came out. Which would have been fine for album filler as it wasn't God-awful but it was such a step down from their previous two efforts it felt almost as if Pledis was just dying to release that as a title. It stead did well with fans and all so at least it meant that Seventeen wouldn't completely flop and disband in a year or two.

However "Very Nice" is the kick that Seventeen needed. It picks up where their first two releases left off without coming off redundant or overdone. It's the sound that we're pretty much used to from them, as well as quality wise. It follows the upbeat funk + glossy pop sound however refrains from becoming watered-down nonsense by switching up the pace. And then there is of course that chorus with those awesome horns and bass. The song starts off on a high note and ends on one.

The music video, I can't even explain it really. This is something you're going to have to view for yourself. It is very interesting though. In the beginning I thought this was just going to be another "Dozen Guys Chase One Girl" plot, but apparently it was more like "Girl Goes on Murder Spree." Also the choreography has a lot of crotch thrusting. In terms of the members themselves this is by far the hottest Seventeen has looked in terms of music videos. They're all styled awesomely. The only thing that bugs me is the fact that Hoshi gets five seconds of screen time. However there is quite a nice bit of S.Coups who shits all over everyone here.

Especially in the lives:

SOURCE

Suspenders were a very nice (no pun intended) touch and I honestly think K-pop needs more of them.

This reminds me of a certain iconic look involving red suspenders if you catch my drift.

Overall "Very Nice" was an entertaining release. I can see myself listening to this song a lot in the following months which qualifies as a good comeback if I must say so myself.

Old News: Sunmi doesn't give a flying fuck

July 14, 2016, 12:00 pm

≫ Next: Sex vs Politics

≪ Previous: [MV Review] Seventeen - "Very Nice"

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I know I am way late to the game on this, but this is why we love Sunmi. This bitch can't be bothered. She sort of half-heartedly does the choreo in the group parts, but when it's her turn to do a solo she's like "fuck this noise" and just slumps around with her arms crossed.


"Yeah, I'll sit down early if I fucking want to" -Sunmi to the cameraman

She looks hot, though.

Sex vs Politics

July 14, 2016, 12:28 pm

≫ Next: [MV Review] Wonder Girls - Why So Lonely

≪ Previous: Old News: Sunmi doesn't give a flying fuck

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Following up on my previous post, an interesting situation is developing where Fei is launching her solo promotions right after publicly supporting China's sea territory claims. Maybe this means she's fucked because former-fans from countries opposed to it will hate her, maybe it means she's a guaranteed hit because of Chinese fans, maybe it means she's in for the chaos of mass love and hate at the same time. Regardless of all this, how do you personally feel about her? Look at these images and vote in the poll at the end.

VOTE HERE

[MV Review] Wonder Girls - Why So Lonely

July 15, 2016, 12:00 am

≫ Next: Chad Future leaves kpop

≪ Previous: Sex vs Politics

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The Wonder Girls are back, and they are making disco look damn good.

Before I get down to the nitty gritty, here are the basics: the girls all look hot as fuck in this video, AND they've stuck with the band concept. You know what that means ... keyboard-related Yenny boob bouncing.

Who knew playing the piano had such fun breast-related results!

On a serious musical note, the song is great: not as heavy-handed of a throwback as their 80s-inspired jam I Feel You, but with enough psychedelic flavour to match the dusky neon palette of the video. It has perfectly nonchalant guitar riffs, some truly fantastic synth/vocal doubling in the chorus, and one of the most tonally-appropriate and best-integrated raps I've heard. In fact, much of the song's musical merit rests on Yubin, who nails the rap and (if she's actually playing them) uses a masterful hand with the drums. Plus she looks so cool!

John? John Lennon?

Actually, everyone in this video looks simultaneously unbelievably hot and unbelievably cool. Yenny kept the pink hair, and she's really making it work. 

I kinda want Yenny to do this to me

It also gives her an edge that matches the bad-girl plot of the MV, which features the girls smoking, drinking, sitting on refrigerators...

Hyelim in this MV is my spirit animal

...and eventually beating the living hell out of a mannequin (who I assume represents their noncommittal lover). 

Hyelim will fuck a bitch UP

The styling is fantastic, with some really cool 70s-inspired makeup looks, lots of crop tops and some truly horrifying bellbottoms that Yubin in her endless mercy manages to pull off.

2 cool 4 u

There's lots of lounging around on/near cars and in/around a very psychedelically-decorated house. The best visual trick of this music video is that everything is cast in a hazy golden light, making the sets look like straight out of a previous generation.

I barely mentioned her, but Sunmi is so hot it goes without saying

Overall, it's a sexy, laid-back video to match a sexy, laid-back song. Nothing is done to excess, and even though the combination of 70s-concept and a video with both an aesthetic and a plot might have overshadowed a lesser group, the Wonder Girls have the delivery, talent and looks to pull pretty much anything off. It might not be able to compete with flashier releases, but I'll be coming back to both this song and its accompanying music video a lot this summer. 5/5

Chad Future leaves kpop

July 15, 2016, 11:27 am

≫ Next: Seungyeon to Release a Solo Song

≪ Previous: [MV Review] Wonder Girls - Why So Lonely

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Most people love to hate on this guy, and while I understand the reasons why, I just can't hate on him. Chad does Chad and makes no apologies. Haters can hate away and he just keeps being Chad. By some crazy chance it seems to keep working out well enough for him to keep having fun with it, and he seems to stay focused on enjoying that fact for as long as it will last. I don't follow what he does, so I'm not really a fan, but I can't hate.

I see in him the same attitude that I see in 2PM members. They know how much luck is involved, they know how many people don't take them seriously, and they don't care about pleasing everyone's ideas of "real" or "authentic" because none of that diminishes how much work they put in or that this, now, whatever form it has, is the opportunity given to them to live out or give up, and they choose to live it. Funny how the performers, whose whole lives are taken over and criticized, can often just enjoy the fun of the music better than those whose only burden is listening.

Seungyeon to Release a Solo Song

July 15, 2016, 4:26 pm

≫ Next: You're Not an Expert.

≪ Previous: Chad Future leaves kpop

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Seungyeon is going solo in the year of going solo. With how great "Guilty" was, I've been waiting for this news since Kara disbanded. Now Ahjussi will fap himself to death with his waifu making her return to K-Pop.

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You're Not an Expert.

July 15, 2016, 9:36 pm

≫ Next: Miyavi - Afraid to be Cool

≪ Previous: Seungyeon to Release a Solo Song

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This is one of my more lengthy post. It's been a while since I've made one of those.

I see many people all over the internet using their own diseases/depressions/life experiences to condemn Hani and Sulli for their "actions" or "diagnose" them and it's absolutely pathetic.

As many people know, Hani has been more emotional than usual on TV, and many people have been saying that this is ruining her career. While I don't think it's that detrimental I do think that Hani's company needs to put her on hiatus because she's obviously not happy right now however what I don't like seeing is people using their own life experiences as a basis for everything related to why Hani might be crying.

I've seen many people say something along the lines of "It's not depression. I had depression and I never cried as much. Hani just wants attention." This is why people who talk about this stuff on the internet are often times never given any serious credibility because they say shit like this. If you would take time out to actually read up on depression, then you would know that it affects everyone differently, and that while some people may conceal their depression easily, others are more vocal about it. Just because you experience something one way, doesn't mean everyone's going to experience exactly the same as you. 

I've also seen people try to justify Hani not really being sad with her upbringing and current career status. Sure rich people may have more access to stuff that makes them happy however depression doesn't just affect one group of people from a certain social class. Sure it might not be rooted from the same problems- a person of lower finances might become depressed due to a financial struggle which is something most well-off people won't experience, however that's not to say that more well-off people don't face some kind of struggle. And despite Hani being super popular and all, her current career hasn't been all peaches and cream.

EXID had it rough until "Up&Down" and that took months to even surge them into popularity. Had "Up&Down" not been a success, the EXID would just be another nugu girl group or disbanded. To top it off, Hani was the reason "Up&Down" became popular which meant she was the face of EXID and thus had the most pressure on her to maintain EXID's image.

As she became more and more of a variety icon and winning the public over, she naturally garnered more and more fans, most of which are probably male and we all know fanboys these days can be just as bad as fangirls. She worked nonstop for pretty much all of 2015 to the point where she was probably overexposed and way more overworked than she had been in her life. Then what happened? She dated.

Notice how ever since she dated people have been nitpicking the most stupid shit ever about her? Then the plastic surgery accusations . The same shit is happening with Krystal too. Overnight Hani went from everyone's favorite EXID member to the least. You see netizens praising Junghwa and Solji more. It's worn down a bit since January but for a while Hani was on everyone's shit list. And international fans are some of the worst with this.

In the West, who you date shouldn't affect your career (unless you're dating someone like Donald Trump I guess.) However in Korea, who you date, especially if you're female can do major damage to your career. The only difference is the forgiveness factor. When Soyeon and her boyfriend recently broke up, netz were so happy and talked all kinds of shit about how smart he was to dump her and that he officially has his image back. However, females don't get off as easily and a lot of the times their value is dwindled down to the level of their significant other. So Hani went from just being Hani to "Junsu's Girlfriend" and every article about her had Junsu attached even when it made no sense to have his name anywhere in the article.

Not to mention she was probably forced into that awful diet where she barely ate. For the average person, starving is not a great feeling especially when your body is used to being fed a certain amount of nutrition. Go from eating three meals a day to only eating a cube of cheese when you feel like you're about to pass out and see if your still a happy bubbly person.

I'm not claiming to be an expert on the issue however these are just some points to consider when you see someone bitching about Hani. She's a human with a job, and jobs can get stressful no matter how much money you make and no matter how much you love it.

As for Sulli, well the hate towards her is equally as stupid. People think the stuff she posts on social media reflect her mental stability or something. Even when it's just a simple selfie people will find something to shit on. My only response is: if you see someone who is happy with their life, relationship, and is acting completely normal for their age and you feel the need to bitch and moan, draw conclusions with no proof attached to them as well as leave numerous messages calling them attention whores, I don't think they're the ones that need help. 

At the end of the day if you're truly concerned about someones health, then you'd actually try to help them instead of demonize them.

Miyavi - Afraid to be Cool

July 16, 2016, 12:00 am

≫ Next: Chad Past: a Chad Future retrospective

≪ Previous: You're Not an Expert.

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Japan's Guitar God Miyavi came out with a new single last month and I had to share.

Chad Past: a Chad Future retrospective

July 16, 2016, 5:57 am

≫ Next: Kick the Greedy Kimchi Whores Out of China and Japan!

≪ Previous: Miyavi - Afraid to be Cool

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First it was Eat Your Kimchi defecting to Japan and now Chad Future, the young guy from the USA who decided to be an "American k-pop star", has decided to move onto the next phase of his career and focus on music within America with his new group F.A.M.E.  This is truly an event to be celebrated, so come with Kpopalypse now as he explores the career of Chad Future Past in commemoration!

You know that feeling that you get, when you discover an outstanding solo artist in k-pop for the first time, and you just want to follow everything that they do and investigate all of their back catalogue for hidden gems?  Well, discovering Chad Future feels absolutely nothing like that, but I felt like I owed you - and him - some retrospective reviews of his work anyway.  You see, apart from that one Chad Future interview that I published a while back, poor Chad has been kind of short-changed on the pages of Kpopalypse blog.  None of his MVs ever got into a best/worst list, I never made any snarky articles about him when he started collaborating with Korean pop stars, and he wasn't even voted for once in any of the Kpopalypseobjectificationposts this year.  How has Chad's career survived this long without my support?  I'm not sure, but clearly in the name of media balance I could have done better, so I have reflected and returned with a more mature set of Chad Future MV reviews for you to enjoy.  These videos are arranged in chronological order so we can chart the success of Chad through the years.

21 October 2011

Heart2Heart - Facebook Official

Before Chad went solo, there was Heart2Heart, a boy group put together by Chad which lasted for only one song.  When I first saw this, I was confused - "why does it say Facebook Official?  It's on YouTube, not Facebook!".  Then on about the tenth listen I managed to hold back the cringe long enough to actually make it to the chorus and realised that "Facebook Official" is actually the name of the song.  I guess being into someone so much that you decide to make your relationship status public on social networking is considered worthwhile love song material for today's commitment-phobic generation, so it's true that Chad knows his market.  Now it's only the rest of the video that confuses me.  The link to k-pop here is quite tenuous with the song being entirely in English, k-pop only seems to be evident in some of the very YG-style visual presentation.  Certainly the song sounds nothing like the k-pop of the day - musically it's quite soft and doesn't have any of what made the better YG material from around the same era decent.  I guess Chad having mainly a music video/TV background, it would make sense that he would start absorbing the k-pop influence visually rather than trying to figure out what made the music work.  The only other nod to k-pop here is the logo which seems 4Minute-inspired, and that proved ominous as 4Minute themselves as a group recently fell on their sword in a similar style with four members exiting abruptly and only one moving on, perhaps a victim of the Curse of Chad.

13 August 2012

Chad Future ft. Jeremy Thurber - Hello

Chad Future's first solo release debuts his cool glam-metal style logo and also sees him rocking more metal spikes than Kerry King, in a video apparently costing $100000.  He's a music video director by trade so he would have paid less that that as he owns some of the equipment that anyone else would have to hire, but the figure definitely seems legit enough given what's on offer.  For those doubters who dissed my music video production post, now you know what a $100000 video looks like - a few fairly spartan boxes and some people dancing.  This was the song where he dropped the bomb on everyone that he was going to rock some eyeliner and sing a little bit in Korean here and there, and of course everyone freaked out and hated on him intensely for daring to be so openly Koreaboo, missing the point that the words and image weren't the real problem with this.  In 2012 k-pop was still doing well quality-wise with some quite unique productions so the fairly standard pop music here which isn't awful but sounds just like any pop music anywhere didn't have much chance of making any impact once the initial shock/novelty factor wore off.  In relative terms however the k-pop media buzz worked in Chad's favour and he squeezed about 410000 YouTube views from this one, that's 1366 views per metal spike!

22 December 2012

Chad Future ft. Drew Ryan Scott - Unstoppable

By now probably realising the musical deficit, Chad Future amped up the sonic production for his next feature track in a song very obviously inspired by 2NE1, featuring a very similar chorus to some of their early hits.  The result was nowhere near as good as 2NE1 back in the day, but as bad as it is it's still a hell of a lot better than almost everything on 2NE1's 2014 "Crush" album, for what it's worth.  Of course, as k-pop tends to follow western pop trends a couple years behind, Chad by consciously following k-pop trends by a similar time distance actually ends up even further behind again.  Chad's more obviously k-pop-inspired original music sits in an awkward position as a result - too far out-of-step to be trendy-cool but not far back enough to be retro-cool, like your Dad buying you an album of some crappy music that you liked four years ago that you're well and truly over but now socially obliged to pretend to like so you don't start a family fight and look like an ungrateful little shit.  Nowhere is this more noticeable than in the comically large amounts of hard Autotune in the choruses of "Unstoppable" - almost nobody was still doing the "big sustained Autotune chorus" in late 2012.  I guess now that he really is "Chad Past" it's interesting to see in retrospect that the "Future" tag couldn't have been more inaccurate.

8 August 2013

Chad Future - The Burbs

Apart from Chad rocking a Girls' Generation shirt in the video, this is basically just a western rap song with no k-pop influences to be seen or heard - this song marks the start of a short "western period" in Chad's output where the k-pop is pushed to the background.  To his credit, Chad doesn't reach for any kind of fake "street" pose - he's honest about his middle-class suburban upbringing, so that's nice and even kind of refreshing ("dudes act gangster but we know they're fake, y'all/if they have guns it's for hunting and paintball") even if I'm sure he actually spends far more time in the studio than at his friend's house parties.  The beat is even actually pretty good as far as mid-paced slightly fairly-floss hip-hop lite goes, (a sound he would return to later with Nu'est's Aaron in tow) and this plus the general lack of cross-cultural cringe means that it's fairly listenable which in the Chad Future canon is definitely no small achievement.

7 February 2014

Chad Future - Used 2 Be ft. Drew Ryan Scott

Another reasonable-but-nothing-notable-about-it pop song with no Korean language or any trace of the usual k-pop style presentation visually or sonically other than it's a pop song, the only thing that links this song to k-pop specifically is that he's chasing after Asian girls in the music video, and of course the fact that it's Chad Future, "American k-pop star"... oh wait, those things don't really link it to k-pop either.  Why am I even writing about this?  Good question.  Let's move on.

3 March 2014

Chad Future - Lonely At The Top

This one is a bit of a lame duck and isn't really k-pop either even by Chad Future standards, BUT it's definitely notable because it's one of those "nobody believed in me, damn I've got so many haters" type songs.  Let's not hate on Chad, people - he'll just release more songs like this to punish us.  Oh and there's an amusing reference to "one million won" in the song when he's talking about how much money he's making, I'm not sure if he's trying to sound rich and successful or poor and struggling but I'm thinking maybe he should have checked the exchange rate before he wrote that line:

Whatever his intention it made me feel pretty pleased with myself anyway, Chad Future's success levels actually seem like a realistic dream now.

28 April 2014

Chad Future ft. Ravi (Vixx) - Rock The World

In his interview with my secret caonima squad, Chad Future at the time hinted at some upcoming collaborations with Korean pop artists that were just about to drop.  Here was the first one, "Rock The World" with Ravi from Vixx, and I believe this was Chad's most popular video ever.  It's definitely on the higher end of the quality scale for Chad because it actually does have a little bit of balls, but the typically light-speed Korean-style raps sound comical and it just sounds like a watered-down version of the sort of thing the more well-known Korean boy groups might do.  I guess that was probably his intention here, so mission accomplished I guess, but the feeling of complete redundancy is palpable.  I really want to know who sent my old car over to him though, when the cops pulled me over and defected it they didn't say anything about it possibly ending up in a Chad Future video, I might've spent the extra money to get it back on the road if I knew.

30 June 2014

Chad Future ft. Aaron (Nu'est) - Got It Figured Out

By far the best song Chad Future ever got involved with, "Got It Figured Out" has a great latin-style hip-hop beat that really rocks, it's just a shame that it's Chad and Aaron rapping over the top of it and not Kid Frost or B-Real, or... well, anyone else, really.  The lyrics here are really cringeworthy, especially "dope as ish" in the chorus, what the fuck.  Somehow the word "ish"actually came about in urban slang because on "clean" mixes of 1980s and 1990s hip-hop records rather than beeping out the swear words with an intrusive-sounding sine-wave or removing them altogether and fucking with the song's flow, the engineer would instead play the offending word in reverse, and "shit" in reverse sounds a little bit like "ish".  However that doesn't mean that you don't sound like a fucktard when you drop the word "ish" in a sentence in normal conversation, or even worse, on a rap song.  Either swear or don't swear, but don't do this "swearing while not swearing" crap, it's bullshit.  We all know what you meant to say, so you might as well just say it.

29 August 2014

Chad Future ft. Jamie Seo - When U Call

Of course Chad Future's "American k-pop" mission wouldn't be complete if he didn't have a stab at the generic shitty k-pop ballad, and this is a pretty spot-on attempt, by which I mean that it's just as fucking terrible as the Korean stuff, but made even worse by the fact that Chad sings in English so I can't just ignore what he is actually singing about.  They're going on dates but him giving her a backrub is some kind of no-go zone, huh?  I guess it fits in with the whole weird "youth" vibe here, and if any of you were ever confused about my stanning of IU criticising the whole "forced to pretend I'm high school age to cater to pedos even though I'm 23" thing, perhaps it'll click for you a bit more when you see Chad Future with Jamie here.  School cosplay isn't just for Gfriend and if you want to see a 27 year old American man in a high-school uniform pretending that he's on his first date with an 18 year old Chad Future is sensitive to your special needs.  If Chad was working in the Korean system and forced to do that shit all the time by a large controlling agency he'd feel like IU does about it eventually too.

7 March 2015

Chad Future - Where It's At

Another dull song where the link to k-pop is nothing more than Chad chasing after some Asian girl in the video, so let's just move on.

12 June 2015

Chad Future ft. Uji (BESTie) - So Good

People might think that I'm hating on Chad but it's not the case at all, and I think that most guys who are following k-pop can at least understand where he's coming from in terms of wanting to get involved in Korean pop, he certainly makes his intentions quite clear in the videos.  This guy is going to be able to go to his grave saying that he got to be in a video with someone from BESTie, and you won't, so just have a little think about that before you leave some lame hate comment on YouTube like the fuckhead you are.  It's obviously clear that we're all just jealous, at least I can admit it.  Of course this doesn't take away from the song being shit, the lyrics being the usual cringe once again, etc etc. but at least you can play a fun drinking game here where you can take a shot every time you see Chad deliberately and very self-consciously not look at Uji's body when he has the perfect opportunity.  I wonder how many times he started perving at her tits and then had to reshoot the scene.

11 July 2015

Chad Future ft. Sungwoon (Hotshot) - Famous

This song begins like it's going to be Chad's first entry into the School of Yolo but then it takes a quick surprising turn into actual music.  Maybe he's saving the sweg for his upcoming project F.A.M.E but I certainly hope not and that he got it all out of his system in this song's opening 13 seconds because nobody needs more of that.  Chad's obsession with fame is actually nearly as prevalent as his obsession with Asian girls, although how much if it is "yeah I really really want to be famous" vs "obsessing over fame is what my fans expect" vs "well, what the fuck else do I write about in the upbeat songs" I don't know.  Anyway for someone chasing fame it's ironic that he's working with someone from a C-list k-pop group creating a song that just sounds like any other k-pop nugu comeback, but then I guess the bigger artists probably charge higher premiums for appearance in a Chad Future video.

3 September 2015

Chad Future ft. Jamie Seo - Fit2gether

The last "American k-pop" song that Chad Future made before finally deciding to kick it all down the stairs, Chad reunites with Jamie Seo for another sickening k-pop ballad just like the ones that you know and hate from every other k-pop group ever, as if we needed any more of them.  Chad really isn't in his element at all when trying to deliver this kind of material, and I think the problem is that he hedges his bets too much and just plays everything too conservatively.  I think he should have done "Rock The World" with Jamie smashing cars and having a tough 2NE1-style image.  Then he could have done "Fit2gether" as a gentle love song with Ravi from Vixx, the Vixx and Chad Future fans could then ship them together and they could make money touching each others' abs onstage like Siwon does with his Super Junior friends.  Chad, get in touch if you want to talk marketing, or if you want to do another Kpopalypse interview!

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That's all from Kpopalypse for this post!  Wishing Chad sincerely all the best for his new project!  Kpopalypse will return soon with more posts!

Kick the Greedy Kimchi Whores Out of China and Japan!

July 16, 2016, 2:35 pm

≫ Next: MV Review Meets Lesbianism in Kpop 2.5/?: G-Friend's Navillera

≪ Previous: Chad Past: a Chad Future retrospective

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Yoona, Greedy Kimchi Whore #1.

Krystal, Greedy Kimchi Whore #2.

As you probably know, a lot of international fans are mad about Chinese nationalism. It has spread to Korea, where you can see Korean netizens hating on Victoria, Cao Lu and Fei for being Chinese nationalists. However, these Korean netizens do not realize their own hypocrisy, which is the funniest thing in all of this.

In example one, Koreans gave Kim Soo Hyun and Jun Ji Hyun shit for promoting a Chinese mineral water company over the disputed Changbai/Baekdu Mountain. 

In example two, Koreans gave Kara shit over staying silent on Dokdo/Takeshima/Liancourt Rocks. 

In essence, it is okay for Koreans to be nationalists but FUCK YOU IF YOU ARE CHINESE AND ARE A NATIONALIST. FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCKFACE FUCKERS TO FUCKING HELL YOU FUCKING IMPERIALIST FUCKING FUCKERS!

If the Chinese should go back to their countries, Greedy Kimchi Whores like Yoona and Krystal should stop making money in China and Japan! That's the way Korean netizen logic works!

In the end, don't be a retard when it comes to nationalism. Don't think you have the only worldview that everyone else should succumb to. I use my nationalism by changing my username from AKF to Nayeon's Vibrator, as Twice's Best Korean became my favorite member. I would welcome a Japanese nationalist who changed his name to Momo's Strap-On or a Taiwanese nationalist who changed his name to Tzuyu's Double-Dong Dildo (if approved by Chris Hansen).

MV Review Meets Lesbianism in Kpop 2.5/?: G-Friend's Navillera

July 17, 2016, 12:00 am

≫ Next: Twice For CeCi

≪ Previous: Kick the Greedy Kimchi Whores Out of China and Japan!

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Parts 1 and 2 of this regular series.



Today's special crossover episode is brought to you by the fact that Navillera, G-Friend's latest thinly veiled clone of all their previous songs (this time: more synths), is gay as all hell.


I discovered while writing this review that it is fucking impossible for me to tell these girls apart. It's almost as bad as Red Velvet at this point (I can't tell those bitches apart even though I know one of them from high school!).

Anyway, I've now determined that there's one who looks like Jessica Jung (SinB), one who looks like a pig (Umji), one with braids (Yuju???), one who's kinda hot (Sowon) and TWO FREAKING LESBIANS.

This is some gay shit right here

 Apparently their names are Eunha (the one with the short hair) and Yerin (...the other one). They are the stars of this video, the premise of which is that the six girls are hanging around doin' friendship stuff (rollerblading, abusing stuffed toys) while two of them fall slowly yet deeply in love.

Subtle

 This is all set to the tune of a song that sounds exactly like every previous G-Friend release, except that it has more synths which is making everyone say that it's Jpop influenced even though let's be real this is a perfect clone of their schoolgirl trilogy songs right down to the weirdly intense guitar solo at the bridge.

Eunha, you creep

I mean, I'm not really complaining: this group does one thing and one thing only, but they do it really damn well. The choreography is inventive and expertly executed as usual -- I'm really looking forward to the dance version of this because I remember being really impressed by their previous ones. The guitar solo is fun, if a little strange (who is playing these? If one of these girls is secretly a hard rocker I'm gonna be into it). The "na-na-na-navillera" chant in the pre-chorus is catchy as hell. It's a fun, up-tempo jam that is sure to get a lot of play this summer. The one downside is that their composer keeps pulling out all the same musical and harmonic tricks. There were multiple points in the song where the synth riffs matched up with material from Glass Bead, or where I expected the chorus from Rough to come in. That doesn't make it a bad song -- it just makes it a little bit too familiar.

Ah yes, my old familiar (girl)friend

We're ranking on three metrics today:

Song/Video Overall: I'm gonna give it a 4/5, because I have to admit it's a jam, and the video is nicely shot, styled and edited. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't prefer something totally different from the G-Friend ladies. They have the talent to pull off something totally left-field. Oh My Girl is doing weird shit all the time, and I'd love to see these girls do the same.

Lesbian Convincingness: 3.5/4. Sure, I'll buy it. There's enough meaningful glances to convince me. Plus that heart-drawing incident is really fucking gay.

Lesbian Hotness: 1.5/4. This is chaste as hell. The only points this gets comes from me imagining these two fucking (don't worry, they're both 19, even though they're styled like they're 12).