There's two things that really stick out to me whenever I get the results of a Kpopalypse survey, and they are:

1. A lot of you are in tertiary education
2. A lot of you are struggling like fuck with tertiary education

Many caonimas seem like you could use the wisdom of an older wiser k-pop fan who has been through the "system".  Read on as Kpopalypse attempts to make your university life approximately 0.0582% more tolerable!



I currently hold a Bachelor of Music (Honours).  It's a completely useless qualification in terms of the music industry, however I didn't go to university to get more qualified in music (I was already "qualified" just through experience in the business), I went to university because I thought it would be fun to go to university.  I was right - music university was great!  I cruised through everything easily and passed my course in the top 10% of graduates, with little effort or stress.  Here's how I led a successful and worry-free university lifestyle.

MENTAL PREPARATION

Do you want to really do something with your life other than fapping to the abs of some guy in SM's new boy group and squealing like a bitch every time a new YouTube video is released?  Do you also want to earn slightly more money than a crappy entry-level retail job?  Yes?  Then university might be for you!  The best thing you can do before you embark on your chosen field of study is immerse yourself in it ahead of time.  If you're doing a music degree like I did, buy a music theory book and read it.  If you're doing some other wacky shit, find out about that topic.  Being able to hit the ground running is valuable.  Even if you're doing a generic catch-all degree like a Bachelor of Arts (hereafter referred to as BoA, and also known in Australia as a "would you like fries with that") where you have no way of really knowing exactly what they're going to make you study, then at least read a few books and improve your literacy skills.

GETTING INTO UNIVERSITY

There's three ways to get into university in most countries:

1. Have good school grades
2. Wait until you're mature-age and sit a mature-age entrance exam
3. Buy your way in

The third option is great if you're loaded with cash.  In 2016 stingy governments don't want to invest money in educational institutions, because they figure that a stupid population is more likely to blindingly follow government policy without question than an educated population.  The last thing most tyrannical governments want these days are smart young people who can think critically and independently, so the shadier and more corrupt a government is, the less they will fund education properly.  Therefore most universities are in serious financial trouble and won't say no to somebody who is willing to front up with some money for the chance to do a degree, so if you've got more money than brains, consider this path.  This wasn't an option for me however, as I was dirt broke - I also had shitty school grades so there was no way my high school grades would get me in.  Fortunately, the mature-age exam to get into university wasn't actually that hard, just a bunch of basic maths, spatial and reading comprehension questions, and I aced that test, getting in the top 6% of applicants.

That would have been enough to qualify me to do a generic degree like a BoA, but because I was more interested in music university, I had to also prove my musical worth and do an audition.  Music university won't take total noobs, you have to already have a fair bit of aptitude before they will consider you.  I decided I might try to get in through classical guitar, and if I failed I could still fall back on the entrance exam results and do the BoA.  So I warmed up some classical guitar pieces and played them for a bunch of stuffy old cunts who were going to be my tutors if I passed.  I don't think they appreciated my technique as I play classical guitar more like a rock musician (think how Sungha Jung plays, not really strict classical technique) than a true classical player, so their response was lukewarm.  It was pretty clear that I wasn't going to get in on the strength of my guitar playing.  I then thought "hang on, I've been releasing albums on my own record label for a few years now, perhaps I could submit those and get in through composition" so I spent an hour chatting to one of the music composition lecturers and showing him my crappy music and at the end of the chat he said "well, you're pretty weird - but do you want to do a degree?".  I was in.

Here's what I learned from my music university application experience: firstly, if some university official tells you no you can't do something, don't be disheartened - just keep asking different important people until someone says "yes" or even "maybe".  You don't need everyone to agree, you just need to find someone who can open a door to what you want.  The other thing I learned is that how likely you are to get your favourite course has a lot to do with intake levels.  For instance, it's piss easy to get into my music university if you want to do vocals, because the university wants enough entrants so they can make up enough members to form a full choir each year (yes that's right, not only is vocal talent not needed for k-pop stars, it's also not needed for university!).  However it's really hard to get in through guitar or piano performance, because there aren't many tutors, and the tutors are lazy and don't want many students, so they'll pick only the very best applicants.  It's easy to get in if you're a violinist too, but much harder if you play the timpani because the university wants to be able to form an orchestra, and an orchestra has several violinists but only one timpani player.  For the BoA, there's no intake maximum - they'll accept as many people who pass entrance that want to do the degree, because the lecture halls are huge and one professor can easily lecture to two hundred people as easily as they can lecture to two, and the more people they can cram into that lecture hall, the more money the university can make.

PAYING FOR UNIVERSITY

If you live in a proper real country run by smart people who understand the economic value that an intelligent population who can do more than push a broom in front of them provides, you'll have free education.  However there aren't many proper countries in the world like that, maybe you live in a ridiculous banana republic fake country like Australia with a long history of idiotic non-leadership in which case you'll have to pay heavily for your degree.  How to pay for a degree when the whole reason you're doing the degree in the first place is that you have no money?  Here's the best ways to go about this, from the most preferred method to the least.

• Rich parents
• Prostitution/sex industry
• Work a part-time job
• Welfare payments
• Extortion of famous people
• Run a website and attach annoying intrusive ads
• Release music and hope somebody buys it

Rich parents is obviously the preferred method.  Prostitution and sex industry work might be occasionally unpleasant but makes a lot of money quite quickly, with very little time investment and is definitely the easiest way to pay for a degree if you don't have rich parents, ask any k-pop star.  Just don't whore yourself out for one of those "we'll murder you if you leave" type places, do your research, maybe ask your slutty friends which brothels and strip clubs they work for.  If you're not a person someone would pay to see naked, the part-time job has the benefit of providing a fair bit of money, but also robs you of some of your time.  Welfare gives you more time but less money and you have to worry about staying eligible and being witch-hunted by a rabid billionaire-controlled media that has an agenda to demonise poor people.  Extorting your local celebrity isn't really ideal as it comes with risks such as jail time, however incarceration does give you more time to do the recommended course reading.  The last two options are really not recommended (guess which one I chose).

GETTING THE MOST OUT OF LECTURES

Lectures are boring as fuck, even for a topic that you actually do give a shit about.  Fortunately, it's easy to get the most out of them.  Here's how.

Turn up - what a difference this makes.  Attend every single lecture, without fail.  Don't ask your friends to write lecture notes and give them to you later so you can watch Music Core or whatever the fuck, it's inviting disaster.  Your friends are morons, they'll fuck up and spill drinks on their notes, or lose them, or just forget to give them to you, or just write the wrong shit down, or even worse they'll realise Music Core is on as well and stay home.  They don't give a shit whether you pass or not, and half of them are probably stoned.  Every lecture has a lot of boring bullshit but it also has something you need to know, don't rely on your loser buddies to figure out what that might be.

Pay attention - stop talking to your stupid bitch friends about k-pop and actually listen to the boring person giving the lecture.  Also don't bring in your headphones and listen to MP3s on your phone you dumbass.  Most importantly don't blow all that education money on asking the person sitting next to you if they like Gfriend or BTS because there's a real risk that they might say "yes" and then you'll be trapped in a stupid conversation with them about how great your bias is for the next half an hour and you'll miss all the important shit in the lecture.

Paraphrase - don't write down every single thing the professor says.  Professors love to ramble and talk about bullshit nobody cares about (just like k-pop bloggers, right?).  Just write down the important shit.  The ratio of actual shit you need to know versus pointless crap is about the same as the ratio of English to Korean in any given k-pop song - the important shit is in English, the Korean is just the details.  The really cool lecturers will telegraph the really important shit and say stuff like "this next bit might be in the exam, so listen..." and you can bet "might" means "is".  The more deranged fuddy-duddy lecturers who look like Einstein will just jabber away about crap and you've got to figure out what's important, which is usually not too hard, just keep an ear out for "shit you don't know yet".

Copy - write your lecture notes in the lecture, with a pen and paper.  Then, when you get home, type all that shit up again into a word processor, so it looks nice and readable and not in your shitty scratchy handwriting.  Now you've got some cool study notes you can come back to when it's exam time.  If you're too povo to afford a computer just write them out again by hand, but neatly.  Don't be tempted to drag your laptop into the lecture hall - the copying of the handwritten notes into the computer reinforces the memory and is actually useful.

COPING WITH EXAMS

Most university exams are crappy because rather than test your aptitude, they mainly just test your memory at following instructions, which isn't quite the same thing.  Fortunately, this means that passing exams is easy as piss, because it's ultimately just a memory recall test.  Get those nice study notes that you typed out for yourself back during lectures, and type them out a second time, the day before the exam.  That's it - that's all the study you need to do, that's certainly all the study I ever did for any of them, and I never passed an exam at university with anything less than an 80% score.  However it only works if you followed the lecture instructions above, and if you're basically a smart person and you understand shit.

"But oppa", I hear you say "this advice is great and all, but it's too late for me!  I spent my entire semester dreaming about being bukkaked by BigBang members, I'm going to bomb this fucking exam, please help me!"  Don't panic, Kpopalypse has got you covered!  Most universities consider 50% a passing grade, so you only need to half know your shit to get through, and you can fake half-knowing something, here's how.

Step 1.  Go through the entire exam at light speed, and fill out all the answers that you absolutely 100% know for sure.  Don't spend more than 10 seconds thinking about the answer to any question, if you're stuck for more than ten seconds or even if you're about 80% sure, SKIP IT and move onto the next one.

Step 2.  There should be plenty of exam time left.  Go back through the questions again, do the stuff that you're pretty sure about.  Spend one minute maximum thinking about each answer, if your brain is taking any longer, don't dwell on it, SKIP IT.

Step 3.  Exam time is coming close to the end.  You should now have left all the stuff that you either don't have a clue what the fuck the answer is, or requires actual brain power (which you have none of because it's all leaked out of your genitals during the semester of rigourous fapping).  Time to complete that shit.
Now if it's multiple choice, you're laughing.  Most university exams are multiple choice because it's easier for underpaid professors to mark, and exams that are multiple choice usually:

• are put together by the same person who does your lectures
• have a non-randomised answer order (once again for ease of marking)

So a quick personality assessment of your lecturer will give you the most likely response.  Firstly, strip away any "nonsense" invalid answers, all tests have a few of these.  Then look at what's left and think - is your lecturer an arrogant alpha male douchebag like Kim Hyun Joong or a bossy cantankerous mole like Kahi?  Expect the first seemingly valid answer to be the right one.  If your lecturer is a stuttering, mealy-mouthed victimised nervous wreck like Tzuyu, the last seemingly valid answer will probably be the most common.  For other lecturers with personalities approaching normal well-balanced human beings, remember:

• If there are two seemingly valid answers, the most correct option is probably B
• If there are three seemingly valid answers, the most correct option is probably B
• If there are four seemingly valid answers, the most correct option is probably C
• If there are five seemingly valid answers, the most correct option is probably D
• If there are six seemingly valid answers, the most correct option is probably D
• If there are more than six seemingly valid answers, you're probably doing a Kpopalypse quiz, which means you're doomed so just tick anything

Don't ask me how I know this crap, just know that it works and thank me later when you scrape a pass out of an exam that you thought you were doomed to fail.

Step 4.  It's four minutes until the end of exam time and you've still got a bunch of unanswered questions!  Just fill out the answers left with any old crap.  You can't get "negative marks" in most exams, so don't worry if you're wrong or you think you'll look stupid just gogogogogo kekekekekekekeke (if it is an exam where you can get negative marks - and don't worry they'll tell you if it is - then skip this step).

There, that wasn't so hard, was it?

DEALING WITH ESSAY-WRITING

Unfortunately you can't fake a good essay as easily as a good exam.  Here's some tips that might be useful.

Learn correct spelling and grammar - don't write like a bitch, learn how to do it properly.  It's not that hard to use language correctly if it's your native tongue.  If unsure, just open up one of those "book" things and have a read, I'm sure you've seen them about.  Then observe the patterns of what you see and copy them.  Just make sure the book isn't "Fifty Shades Of Grey" and you should be fine.  You'll get plenty of marks just if your essay reads nice, even if it's wrong.

Don't plagiarise - there are plenty of essays on the Internet should you care to search, and even sites that will essentially write your exam for you, don't use them!  You'll get caught easily.  Universities these days are wise to the sneaky caonima ways of students and the first thing they'll do with your exam if it reads well is select a particularly impressive random sentence and throw it into Google search.  If the same sentence absolutely word-for-word comes up somewhere online you'll experience your own little plagiarism controversy just like your favourite k-pop stars and you can kiss your entire degree goodbye.

Get an early start - as soon as you get your exam topic, raid the library with as many books as seem relevant, then read up and...

Reference like fuck - no shit, you're halfway towards passing an essay if you can reference and footnote correctly.  Professors get a serious hard-on for correct referencing, so use your reference guide and make a big ass reference list of all the shit you'll need, that you can just copy-paste into the essay as required and make sure you use all the correct formatting.  The more references the better, you can never have too many, and where possible try to reference books rather than websites because the lecturer will probably check a website to see that you're not full of shit but they're unlikely to dig out every book that you read and check it, especially if you reference over a dozen of them.  If you read up and reference well you'll find that the essay writes itself in your head before you've even started writing the essay properly.

Hand that shit in early - I used to hand in my essays a week early, and then hang around the essay-submission box a week later fifteen minutes before closing time on the day the thing was due and laugh at all the sweating, freaked out students handing in their poorly-written shit at the last minute.  But then, I'm a cunt.  Getting the shit done early is beneficial for other things besides gloating, it mainly means you're not competing with others for resources to write your essay with at the very last minute and it's also less stress.

Don't moralise - you know those boring as fuck articles that other k-pop blogsites write and that you hate, that are basically nothing but "here's two paragraphs about a k-pop issue or controversy, and here's another two paragraphs of my opinion about the person involved and whether I think what they did was morally right or not"?  Well, nobody wants to read that shit in your university essay either.  Opinions are like assholes - everyone has one, yours isn't special.  Stick to the facts and don't lecture your audience on how you feel about the situation (unless that's specifically requested in the essay question) because nobody cares, your job is to present your argument with trufax, not bash people over the head with your feelings like a fangirl sad that it wasn't her tits that Seungri splattered his jizz all over.

SOCIAL LIFE

Every student needs a break from the hard studying, so why not get out and about and meet your fellow students?  Universities are full of people keen to socialise, and many of them will start up clubs with shared interests.  There's a very good chance that your university will have some sort of k-pop appreciation club, but be careful!  These clubs can be populated with some of the most crazy, deluded, shambling, drooling k-pop fans you can imagine - do you really want to meet these types of people face-to-face rather than just on the Internet?  You may be also dragged into scary club "activities" which might involve insipid yet harmless party games but may also involve creepy "fan support" type events or even religious cult brainwashing operating by stealth with a k-pop front-end.  With luck you'll be able to find such a club and cherry-pick out the one or two sane people there to have conversations and socialise with, dragging them out of the craziness without getting yourself dragged into the insanity of the physical equivalent of a k-pop forum, or worse.

In some countries universities have "fraternities" which are dumb organisations that have weird rules and strange, often fatal hazing rituals.  To my knowledge these don't exist in Australia or at least I never encountered any, but just know that being in a little kool kids klub doing Freemasonesque secret-squirrel things certainly sounds to me like an activity for faggot bitches.

Other things to remember:

• You're not in high school anymore, punching out a cunt actually carries with it criminal charges now, no matter how much they deserve it
• The above also means that bullying is a lot rarer in university than high school
• University campuses are filled with rooms that are vacant 98% of the time, use this knowledge wisely
• Avoid student politicians like they all have herpes and want to tongue-kiss you

GETTING FUCKED UP

All Australian universities have a Unibar, this is a safe, friendly place where students of 18 years or older can buy tasty alcoholic beverages and socialise with others in an environment supervised by professional bar and security staff.  Unfortunately not all countries are this enlightened and many forbid alcohol on campus, thereby enabling and promoting a lively alcohol black market where students sneak in beverages and get shitfaced in their dorms or other secret areas, often dying as a result of the lack of supervision of their drunken antics.  Unless you're a resident of Portugal drugs are probably illegal too, so there's going to be some sneaking around of illicit substances on campus no matter what, probably.  Kpopalypse doesn't use or endorse drugs or alcohol and strongly recommends that you don't do either, but also is mature enough to know that you're not going to pay attention to any shit that I say anyway, so here's how to fuck with your brain chemicals relatively safely and in a way that still enables you to pass a degree.

• Don't get fucked up the day before an exam.  Stating the obvious, but you'd be amazed how many people fuck this up.  Wait until the day after your exam, then go full HAM.
• Everybody looks like Qri/Jaehyo when you're drunk enough.  Exercise caution with prospective sexual partners!
• Murphy's law of drug supply: the more someone talks about how good the drugs they can get are, the less good those drugs are.
• Anyone who is at a Unibar but not actually studying at Uni is there to pick up.  Proceed with due diligence and care.
• If a stranger asks you where they can get drugs, the only correct response is "I don't know".  Don't help them even if you know your dorm mate is loaded or you'll end up like Daniel from DMTN with a charge for "assisting drug dealing".  Oh, and you'd be amazed how often undercover cops forget to change their shoes.
• Don't drink or take drugs alone.  If you're going to ruin your life at least make it entertaining for others, do it with someone who can laugh at you making an idiot of yourself and draw pictures on your face of dicks near your mouth while you're unconscious.

GETTING FUCKED

I never got laid in university because I was in a steady relationship for pretty much the whole time.  Wow, what a mistake that was - there were some pretty hot girls at university, and I broke up with the girl I was with at the time soon afterward.  So I can't help you much here, all I can say is this:

• Don't get anyone pregnant, or get yourself pregnant - study is stressful enough without that shit
• Don't rape anyone
• Safe sex y'all
• Don't take nudes of yourself and send it to someone you love, that shit will spread
• If all else fails, the medical community agrees that fapping to k-pop idols has no long-lasting harmful effects

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That's it from Kpopalypse!  Hopefully this information will be enough for you to ace your degree and move on to an amazing career in... erm, whatever.  Was this advice helpful, let me know in the comments!  More posts soon, caonimas!

I just heard the news about 4minute disbanding and remembered my post from 5 years ago. Funny thing to note is that as of this writing Bubble Pop has 111 million views and Mirror Mirror has 11 million, so the 10x factor held true over years.

You had a good run, 4minute. Even though everyone jokes about "Hyuna & The 4minutes" I actually don't know anyone who doesn't like them. They are pretty badass ladies, lovable on stage and off.

It's time again for another episode of the most loved and loathed series on Kpopalypse blog, yes it's Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!


Read on as Kpopalypse finds more nugus especially for you!

Imagine that you're a k-pop company CEO looking for a way to shoot a hot new video for your group.  You hold a boardroom meeting and run through the various options available with your video shooting team:

Drama video - no way, you'd have to hire a scriptwriter for a start, then you'd need multiple locations and great props for it to look even halfway good... this is going to be way too expensive, let's not bother.  Your team agree unanimously that this would be a royal pain in the ass.

Box video - you think "wow SM are so cheap with their box videos, how hard can it be" so your team make some enquiries at a set fabrication company and find out that to get a box that can realistically compete with the stuff that SM uses can actually cost over $100,000.  Who knew?  Needless to say, fuck that shit.

Studio video - "okay, this will be alright, we don't need the box, we'll just hire out a studio", but some more ringing around confirms that all the studios in your area are booked out for months in advance doing various other nugu k-pop projects.  Damn.

Location video - "fine, we'll go to that amusement park everyone else uses" you say in frustration.

Your video director is aghast.  "No, I'm not shooting there!" he says.

"Why what's the problem?  Too cliched for you?" you snort.

"No..." his face turns red as he continues.  "I fucked the sister of the guy who runs that place and leases it out to all the k-pop groups!  I didn't use protection and I had no money so he had to pay for her abortion!  He said he'd kill me if he saw me again!  I'm not going to shoot there!"

You stand up and point at him angrily.  "Fine, then I'll get another director!"

The entire room starts mumbling and coughing.

"Um.... I actually fucked her too" says the assistant director.

"Yeah, er... me as well... can't we just shoot it somewhere else?" says the lighting tech.

"It's going to be so awkward... I forgot to pull out" mumbles the production assistant.

You sigh.  "Okay, so who here has NOT had sex with the sister of the amusement park guy, please raise your hand."

You look around the room, no hands go up, except one.  "I haven't", says the secretary changing the filter in the coffee machine at the back of the room.

"Okay, FINE THEN.  Forget interesting props, we'll just go and shoot it in the middle of fucking nowhere!  The fans had better not blame me if it looks like shit!"

This episode of Nugu Alert is dedicated to those k-pop CEOs who may have found themselves in a predicament similar to the above.  We've all seen k-pop videos with spectacular scenery like Taeyeon's "I", but SM had to go to New Zealand to find vistas like that, which is a little beyond the nugu agency's budget.  If you could only go locally, and the outdoor nature scenery there was boring as batshit, would you still film your music video there anyway?  The following videos are the result of agencies who answered a resounding "yes" to this question, let's take a look!

Usual nugu alert rules apply:

• Less than 20k hits
• Nobody outside of Korea cares
• Kpopalypse thinks you should watch these, just because

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MFECT - Just You

The boys of MFECT have a reasonably decent song and do their best to make the most visually out of some incredibly flat grassland and dirt roads.  At least the levelled-out OH&S compliant ground surface means that they're less likely to trip and do themselves an injury, showcasing a rare instance of k-pop agencies giving a shit about the welfare of their group members.  The girls of The Starz who came to the attention of Kpopalypse in Nugu Alert Episode 15 for filming part of their MV in a bombed out warehouse with dangerous shit all over the floor are probably jealously complaining to their agency now "why didn't you look after us like this?".  It doesn't end there however, M.fect's video director then daringly tries for some night shots using candlelights suspended from trees as a prop, and there's even a few shots filmed at the end of a pier where there's a funny metal frame construction that I guess the director thought looked a bit like the impressive random metal structures that hang around in the background of SM box videos:


Kind of similar, right?  Okay, never mind.

YouTube views at time of writing: 9455
Notable attribute: girl at 1:58 so transfixed by bits of paper that she doesn't notice the oncoming car in the background, everyone please wish her a speedy recovery
Nugu Alert rating: high

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Oriental Showcus ft. Koonta - Puzzle

Oriental Showcus are nugus at least for the purpose of Nugu Alert, but Koonta sure isn't.  Koonta's main gig is reggae group Rude Paper, he isn't afraid of a collaboration or two, and being highly experienced in locating green outdoor areas in Jamaica Koonta has decided to give his reggae friends in Oriental Showcus an image boost by pointing them in the direction of the nearest recreation park with long overgrown weeds and a river by it.  It's this kind of thoughtful action which has led to this visually outstanding video, featuring singing by some weeds, singing on a bridge by some weeds, singing in a park near a bridge by some weeds, and more.  The instrumentalists don't get the same location variety as the singer however, probably because the effort involved in finding multiple good locations for each instrument was probably stretching the timeframe and budget just a little too much, but hey, when it comes to making low budget videos you've got to prioritise.


There was however time for three singers on the bridge, showing that perhaps the editor had more time on his hands than the director.  Or perhaps there really are identical triplets fronting this group and the director just shoved them all on the bridge at once hoping it would collapse so he wouldn't have to listen to any more of this boring reggae-lite.

YouTube views at time of writing: 6622
Notable attribute: video staff couldn't be fucked picking up all the trash in the creek at 3:23
Nugu Alert rating: very high

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Hexagonal Water - Aduuduu

It's hard to even know where to begin with this outstanding video, an audiovisual artifact of cool trot and over-the-top visuals surely custom-made with Kpopalypse Nugu Alert specifically in mind.  Going against the grain by being filmed with bold, revealing long-shots (no fast cutting here) and an almost completely still camera, it's unclear whether Hexagonal Water is one person, a group of people or just a hoax like their namesake.  However what is abundantly clear is that our singer is definitely having a good time.  Not only this, but in a refreshing change of pace from the usual k-pop fare, his daring, highly exuberant dance moves are completely non-choreographed, and really come to the fore in the breakdowns, starting from the instrumental section that begins at about 1:30.  Later on there's four people dancing and I'm unsure whether it's another clone job like Oriental Showcus or if this group really is comprised of the four most spontaneous improv dancers in South Korea, but if you go to a club in Seoul and you see that double-take head move during a song's breakdown from a slightly pudgy guy with JAV star teeth, be sure to go up to him and say that Kpopalypse Nugu Alert said hi.

YouTube views at time of writing: 1107
Notable attribute: quickly-flying birds that leave the scene at 0:31 then return at 0:43, clearly drawn back by the singer's charisma
Nugu Alert rating: extreme

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That's all for Kpopalypse Nugu Alert!  I hope you've enjoyed this episode's selection of nugus, and Kpopalypse will return with even more at a future date!

Recent developments in the world of k-pop have shown that k-pop labels
are swift towill eventually take legal action against malicious haters!


Are you prepared for such an eventuality?  Could you use free legal advice?  Do you like laughing at the misfortune of others?  If you answered 'yes' to any of these questions, please take advantage of the new Kpopalypse free legal advice service!




Things to know about Kpopalypse free legal advice:

• Legal advice will be given to all those in need regardless of how much you don't deserve it.
• Advice requests can be submitted via Kpopalypse ask.fm, by leaving comments in this article, or via Raina-themed strippergram.
• Although the legal advice given is technically free, our legal research team is funded by your Patreon donations to Kpopalypse, so expect a similar quality of advice that you would get from an actual lawyer for the same amount of money as whatever I received in donations over the last month.
• And don't forget this important message, caonimas....

Without any further ado, let's get started with some enquiries from caonimas that I've helpfully paraphrased to protect the guilty (i.e you)!

Dear Kpopalypse,
I answered my mail today and I got a court summons!  I read it and it was for some nasty comments that I left online on some dumb gossip article about how T-ara are all bullying bitches back in 2012 when it was trendy to hate them!  I'm not a trend-following stupid little bitch anymore, I've since grown up and realised that T-ara are completely innocent and now promise to stan them forever, but how can I convince the court that I've changed my ways and am no longer a faggot bitch (in a musical sense)?
Yours sincerely,
A caonima in need

Don't worry!  You'll be just fine.  If you're an international k-pop fan, you've got nothing to worry about at all, just stay away from Korea where the law can touch you.  This of course means you might have to stay in your home country away from your precious bias group, consider it righteous penance for being a dirty criminal, tsk tsk.  If you're Korean however you may actually be fucked over a barrel by Boram with a strap-on, but there's still hope!  In Korea, truth is not a defence against defamation, which means that it doesn't matter that you were a filthy liar about T-ara, MBK still may not win in a court case against you even if the facts are on their side (which they are).  If all else fails, don't drop the soap!

Dear Kpopalypse,

I live in Korea and I'm upset because my ex-boyfriend doesn't pay any attention to me, he's too busy fapping to AOA videos.  I thought that AOA being exposed as a bunch of stupid moles who don't know anything about history would make him hate them because he's in the military, but now he stans then more than ever!  He can't even get it up for me unless I wear the same costumes that she wore in "Like A Cat" and "Good Luck".  To get back at him, I not only dumped him but tore up all his pictures of Choa and now he's suing me for property damage as some of them were really expensive!  How was I know that a picture of some common slutty tramp would actually be worth money?  What can I do to stop my ex from taking legal action?

Yours sincerely,

Frustrated

Dear Kpopalypse,
I'm a person in the public eye as well as a ladies man who likes to play it a bit rough especially in the bathroom, but lately some of the dirty bitches that I've been fucking have accused me of rape!  It's not my fault that I need the aroma of dried pee mixed with my ball-sweat to maintain a firm erection, but of course the conservative Korean media doesn't understand my fetish and are stereotyping me as a nasty sex criminal instead of the caring soul that I truly am (you believe me, right?).  The girls clearly have seen an opportunity to cash in on my millions, and I'm countersuing those gold-diggers, but realistically, what are my odds of getting through this with my career intact?
Yours sincerely,
A JYJ fan (they're the best omg)

Don't worry!  You'll be just fine.  You probably won't win the fight for your public image and you may even have to disband your group, but the likelihood of any long-term consequences or large financial payouts are low.  Kpopalypse suggests that you photograph some dick pics and send them to the judge who is hearing your case, and make sure you do so from an angle that emphasises the curvature of your shaft.  All Koreans know that a man with a curved penis can't rape women, so your innocence in the eyes of the court is all but assured.  If you need some examples of penises with curvature to base your photographs on, try here.


Do you have questions for the Kpopalypse barristers and legal research team?  If so, don't be shy to ask them, and don't worry - you'll be fine!

Here it is - finally the results of the 2016 Kpopalypse Objectification Survey!  Read on to see how well your bias performed in the all-important area of being ogled at and fapped to!




Firstly, thanks to all those of you who patiently waited for this.  If you're wondering why there haven't been any Kpopalypse posts except roundups for a while, this survey is to blame.  Collating the results of all your thirsty voting took nearly a week and rivalled the complexity of the recent Australian election results.

This year was the first year where I decided to expand the male and female ass polls, because many readers also wanted to vote for other things.  The six categories that you could vote for were:


Readers were asked to nominate up to five people for each category, in order, with the best first.  In this survey the order was very important!  The higher in the list you placed your chosen idol, the more points they received.  If you nominated only one idol, they received all the points for first position but they did not receive any points for positions two to five, even if you listed them five times.  Nominations that didn't also list the name of the group (where applicable) were disregarded.  This post will focus on the ASS RESULTS only - boobs, abs and overall hotness will appear in follow-up posts soon!

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BEST FEMALE ASS

#1 - Seolhyun - AOA

AOA's Seolhyun maintains her position as the ass queen of k-pop.  Kpopalypse readers don't care about lame controversies, they know that the pretty asses are AOA!

#2 - Yura - Girl's Day

Yura and Seolhyun exchanged leads several times during the poll counting before Seolhyun finally pulled ahead.  Yura seems destined for eternal second place in the ass poll, having held this position for three years running, however this time the margin between her and the lead was slightly wider.

#3 - Choa - AOA

Speaking of things that became slightly wider in 2016, Kpopalypse readers appreciated the increased girth of Choa this year and her position as third most popular female ass in k-pop was not placed under any threat.

#4 - Dahye - BESTie

Despite her nugu group doing virtually nothing over the last 12 months, Dayhe rose to the occasion and moved up a place in the ass poll, knocking out one-time-leader Hyosung, showing the formidable power of those firm asscheeks.

#5 - Hyosung - Secret

Hyosung seems to be more about the boobs these days and quality ass shots of her that are recent are also hard to find.  Nevertheless readers still found time to vote for Hyosung ass.

#6 - Hwasa - Mamamoo

#7 - Soyou - Sistar

#8 - Hyorin - Sistar

#9 - Momo - Twice

#10 - Bora - Sistar

#11 - Hyuna

#12 - Hyomin - T-ara

#13 - Hyunyoung - Rainbow

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BEST MALE ASS

I know I'll get flak for this but like I ever cared about that.  Kpopalypse is all about equality in fap so the male section now gets equal treatment.  Deal with it, you closet gays.  All of you guys in denial about your own barely-repressed homosexuality (which seems like a lot of you judging by all the guys who just had to fill out the male section of the survey with some variant of "no homo" to calm your inner gayboy instead of just skipping it even though it was optional) feel free to stop reading here.

#1 - Jimin - BTS

Unlike the female ass poll where the competition was hotly contested, Jimin simply walked away with this one (while you all stared at his ass).  From the very start of the polling Jimin established a clear lead and none of the competition got anywhere close.

#2 - Sehun - EXO

I'm not sure what's happening in this picture, looks like he might be getting ready to shove a fist up there.  Which I think would probably please quite a few readers judging by his performance in this poll.

#3 - Junho - 2PM

#4 - Junsu - JYJ

#5 - Minho - SHINee

#6 - Jackson - GOT7

#7 - N (Hakyeon) - VIXX

#8 - Jungkook - BTS

#9 - Kai - EXO

#10 - Rain

#11 - Shownu (Monsta X)

I can't even find any pictures anywhere of this guy's ass, but I guess you all knew about it because he appears in this Sistar video (at 3:21 on the far left) and his ass is actually bigger than any of the asses of the Sistar girls.  What the fuck.

#12 - Shindong (Super Junior)

#13 - T.O.P (BigBang)

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That's all for this post!  But before I go, I shall address one constant question people had:

Will you do thighs, legs, faces, etc?

No, never!  If I keep adding extra body parts, where will it end?  Fingers?  Armpits?  Nasal hairs?  Thighs are pretty close to the ass and anyone with thighs people like usually has a similarly appreciated ass.  Most people gauge attractiveness on facial features too so "overall hottest" kind of covers that.  Also the fucking counting took long enough even with these few tiny categories.

Kpopalypse will return soon with the boobs and abs post!

I saw the results for the poll and I realized we have let you all down. Some of the best asses in kpop didn't even get a mention and that is clearly because we failed to show them to you. So I will start with this fancam. I hope your appreciation for Sua from Minx will, how shall we say... grow.

It's time for part 2 of the results of the Kpopalypse 2016 objectification survey!  Let's find out who has the best boobs and abs in k-pop in 2016 according to Kpopalypse readers!



The second part is the "upper body" objectification results.  Readers were asked to nominate favourites and pick up to five for each of the six following categories:

For part 1 - the "lower body objectification" results, click here if you missed it.  Part 3, the overall hottest results will be coming soon.  Note that "best" boobs or abs doesn't necessarily mean "biggest", although it did for many - "best" just means "best" and readers were free to define "best" any way they chose.  No "suggestions" were given in order to prevent bias and give an accurate view of what readers thought, readers could pick anybody who is (or was) a k-pop idol.  The order people listed their idols in mattered - readers' first pick was weighted higher than their last pick.  Results that were ambiguous (by leaving out the group name, not being able to spell, mismatching an idol and their group etc) were disregarded.  Read on for the best boobs and abs!

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BEST FEMALE BOOBS

#1 - Hyosung - Secret

#2 - Sunny - Girls' Generation

#3 - Choa - AOA

#4 - Yura - Girl's Day

#5 - Soyou - Sistar

#6 - Hyuna

#7 - Jaekyung - Rainbow

#8 - Hyunyoung - Rainbow

#9 - Hyomin - T-ara

#10 - Puer Kim

#11 - Hyorin - Sistar

#12 - Yuna - AOA

#13 - Minhee - Stellar

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BEST MALE ABS

Always one to stand up for equal rights in k-pop, it's time for Kpopalypse to objectify male k-pop performers and hopefully annoy everyone equally regardless of their gender and sexuality.

#1 - Jimin - BTS

#2 - Taecyeon - 2PM

#3 - Minho - SHINee

#4 - Kyungil - History

#5 - Siwon - Super Junior

#6 - Xiumin - EXO

#7 - Wonho - Monsta X

#8 - Rain

#9 - Taeyang - BigBang

#10 - Jonghyun - SHINee

#11 - Jay Park

#12 - Suho - EXO

#13 - Jungkook - BTS

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